


for a little one on one

by JinWukong



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-10
Updated: 2011-04-10
Packaged: 2017-10-17 21:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinWukong/pseuds/JinWukong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One take on how the "daveisafunnyguy.txt" came to be.</p><p>Though it seems like Jade edited out most of the good stuff anyway...</p>
            </blockquote>





	for a little one on one

**Author's Note:**

> I know this topic has been done before (and a lot better too!) Still, this is what first inspired me to write for Homestuck, and I figure it is different enough that it can stand on its own :)
> 
> Warning: much im-styled rambling, random references, and a bit of SBaHJ.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: yo jade  
TG: youve been staring at the pad for several mins already  
TG: whats up still figuring out how to make it work   
GG: dave!!!  
GG: no, i was just thinking  
GG: and talking to a troll   
TG: oh well thats just great  
TG: so many fuckin trolls all over the place jegus christ  
TG: dont tell me its that asshole karkat spewing angrish at you again dude doesnt know when to take a hike   
GG: nono dave, this ones really nice!  
GG: and to tell the truth...  
GG: since the last time we talked, karkats started being kind of tolerable and helpful even!  
GG: hey, this could be the start of a beautiful interspecies friendship <3   
TG: k sure whatever you say  
TG: more like the start of a beautiful interpieces free-for-all but dont ask me im saying nothing  
TG: who is it then  
TG: the juggalo troll dude?   
GG: who? o_o  
GG: uhhh no, i dont think weve spoken..... recently  
GG: im chatting with rose’s friendly patron troll! :)  
GG: she was sharing some witch of spacey stuff earlier  
GG: oops i mean slyph  
GG: she seems a little stiff at first the way she types, but shes really informative   
TG: thats the problem  
TG: they keep telling you stuff from when they see it and then it gives you stupid fucking ideas  
GG: awwwww DAVE!!!!! DX  
TG: no i don’t mean you as in you  
TG: referring to all of us being chumps generally speaking  
GG: ohhh...  
GG: heheh  
GG: even you, mister smoothguy mccoolness??  
TG: thats right  
TG: just between you and me ive been taken for a dumpass too  
GG: :o  
TG: yeah im sure you werent being serious but there it is  
TG: dragged and jerked around like a fucking flounder on a line  
TG: never given a straight answer but thats chill, just kept on chasing that dangling bait and nibbling away  
TG: both upturned eyes on the rising prize  
TG: all fat and juicy and thrashing  
TG: then just as im all like get in mah belly NOW bitch  
TG: licking my fishy chops and ready to chomp me some wriggly earthworm tail  
TG: thats when they show you the hook barbs and switch  
GG: oh noooo  
GG: that was dead dave??  
TG: well one of them  
TG: jeez i dont think ill ever get used to talking about me in the third-person plural  
TG: cause if we wanna start waxing eulogical  
TG: dude was me in all ways but one  
TG: he didnt get to see the writing on the wall  
TG: not even as much as garde au chien or some french bullshit to tip him off  
TG: you prob dont know the reference nevermind  
GG: errr....  
GG: hemingway?  
TG: ha good guess  
GG: oh seriously i got it right?? <3  
TG: no i mean its wrong but who gives a shit  
TG: whats a 13 yr old nacroleptic doing reading hemingway anyway  
TG: hopy shit if youve been reading books of that caliber i figure you could give rose some serious competition on whod get a massive doorstopper published first  
TG: trollhouse publishers r us  
TG: lets get some magical explosions and hardcore world ending prose in here  
GG: hehehehehe :)  
GG: sorry no, ive never read hemingway or anything like that!  
GG: i know grandpa did because he had a whole bunch of the hardcover versions in his study  
GG: but i burned them years ago  
TG: what why  
GG: it got too depressing looking at them :|  
GG: besides it wasnt like he could read them anymore when he wasn’t alive...  
GG: i dont think i ever mentioned that to you did i?  
GG: that my grandpa was dead  
TG: oh that  
TG: nah but i figured that out on my own  
TG: sort of  
TG: to be honest the stuffed corpse downstairs kinda gave it away  
GG: oh ,__,  
TG: i mean ok im not one to talk about collecting weird shit but jesus fucking christ  
TG: its like a wild orgy of approximately hundreds of smithsonian institution escapees  
TG: mixed with the mounted heads of every single large game beast in existence or otherwise  
TG: basically the embodiment of a lawyers ultimate field day  
GG: umm... i guess?  
GG: i never did really get around to finding out exactly how many tombs grandpa “visited” for his collection of mummies and things  
GG: not to mention all the beauty salons the blue ladies came from...  
GG: wow yeah i guess it really would be a legal nightmare! @_@  
TG: pff as if any of that matters now  
TG: what i want to know is  
TG: where did he get the iron man costume from  
TG: im gonna go out on a limb here and assume your grandpa didnt go on ebay to get it  
GG: er...  
GG: this is going to sound a bit silly...  
GG: but ive always thought he actually used to be iron man in the past!  
GG: or maybe its like his super duper secret identity  
GG: you can laugh if you want :|  
TG: huh alright  
TG: so what youre saying is  
TG: while we thought your grandpa was just a reclusive multi-billionaire renaissance dude who liked to collect exotic trophies and shit  
TG: the likes of which would bring general zaroff to weeping bloody tears  
TG: its possible that all this time  
TG: he was also secretly robert downey jr  
TG: ok  
TG: bit of a comedown imho but i can dig it  
GG: who? o___o  
TG: nevermind i forgot you dont really watch movies  
TG: suffice to say  
TG: grandpa harley was one badass mofo  
TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter  
GG: lolol  
GG: well you summed it up rather nicely just now didnt you ;p  
GG: thanks dave  
TG: sure  
TG: what for  
GG: for making me laugh! i needed that :)  
GG: to be completely honest, ive been a little unsure what to think lately  
GG: ever since i learned that i was sort of responsible for grandpas death  
TG: wait  
TG: what  
GG: i was really little when it happened, so i was totally unaware  
GG: but recently one of the trolls told me about it  
GG: he saved my life by communing with my lusus  
GG: i mean bec  
GG: but grandpa died afterward because of it and i never knew why until now  
GG: i wish id known earlier :(  
TG: see  
TG: bullshit like that is why trolls officially suck  
TG: and why messing with time should be left to the professionals not your average run-of-the-mill psychotic episode with a god complex  
GG: oh nooooo  
GG: it wasnt really like that... i mean  
GG: ugh, i didnt really want to redirect it back to this topic...  
GG: now we are back to where we started!!!  
TG: whats wrong with that  
TG: just a double whatever reacharound  
TG: its cool happens to me all the time  
TG: as we all know time is something ive got a lot of lately  
TG: and yet it feels like its never enough  
GG: see, there you go again!  
TG: no i dont see exactly  
TG: sorry youre gonna have to spell this one out for me  
TG: you and that creepy duttle  
TG: god why is that thing up there anyway its like staring at me through the screen  
TG: far-seeing gaze laden with lambent desires to give my brain a mystical tentacle massage with its fucking plushy tentacles  
TG: am i gonna have sweet dreams tonight  
TG: is what id ask if i had any guarantee id ever sleep peacefully again  
GG: 8O  
GG: hmmmm  
GG: it might be just me but......  
GG: but lately you sound so bitter, dave!  
GG: and it sounds like this is something youre still in the process of working through  
GG: i dont want to bring it up if youre not comfortable :(  
TG: oh for crying out loud  
TG: jade  
TG: were just shooting the shit here  
TG: or least i thought we were  
TG: no need to brood on shit til the thinkpan fizzles over all blackend from the heat  
TG: as for doomed dave schrodinger well he got unlucky  
TG: thats just how it is  
TG: except luck supposedly doesnt factor into it so fuck it whatever  
GG: ummm  
GG: maaaaaaybe..............  
GG: i dunno, rose would be a whole lot better at this than i am ,_,  
TG: nah  
TG: look its cool that youre  
TG: all concerned or whatever about me  
TG: but roses got bigger things to worry about and so do you  
TG: and weve been talking for a while as it is  
GG: :(  
GG: well ok ill stop bothering you about it now...  
GG: but when all this is done, you can bet youve got a big hug coming ;D  
TG: aw fuck  
TG: fine ill talk ill talk  
TG: commence spilling my fucking guts so you can do the rose psychoanalysis thing if that makes you happy  
TG: but no hugs  
GG: D; daaaave...  
TG: no cmon that kind of snuggly crap is seriously bad for my rep  
TG: and you never know when some troll might be in the mood to watch us enact some sappy disney cooldown hug  
GG: oh phooey as if you care!!!  
GG: as if you need me to cool you down when youre so cool already  
TG: jesus i cant believe you just typed that with a straight face  
TG: and no means no  
GG: awww :(((  
GG: maybe to you it does...  
GG: but if theres anything ive learned in our conversations  
GG: theres gotta be a dave out there who says yes instead!  
GG: and i will find him :P  
TG: k seriously can we get back on topic here  
TG: whats the troll saying  
GG: oh, just that im in charge of lighting the forge and breeding duties  
GG: and other things that im not expected to know yet...  
GG: and at some point we talked about how different we were!  
GG: its all very interesting but kind of confusing at the same time ._.  
GG: milk producers that nurture our hatchless young within  
GG: there was some other stuff but i thought that was a pretty funny way of putting it, hehe  
GG: dont you think?  
GG: ….........  
GG: ...dave? still there?? o_O  
TG: ahahahahah yeah thats fucking hilarious  
TG: sorry i think my brain just froze there for a moment  
TG: breeding duties ha ha  
TG: cue record scratch  
GG: heheh, yeah that happened to me too!  
GG: but apparently thats what this cloning pad is meant for...  
GG: kanaya says its supposed to take several weeks and i wont have time to get it all done, but who knows if you dont at least try? ;)  
GG: its a good thing youre here so we can get started on that as soon as possible!  
TG: whoa WHOA ok hold me a fucking moment  
TG: shit i mean  
TG: *hold on a fucking moment  
TG: fuck whats with the typos  
GG: erm.....  
GG: i dont... know??  
GG: ok yeah um as i was saying.  
GG: i still need to decide which frogs to appearify for the cloning process, but you need to deploy the terminal for me first  
GG: so if you could do that pretty please?  
TG: yeah alright but  
TG: uh  
TG: now youve lost me again  
TG: what the fuck do frogs have to do with anything  
GG: everything!  
GG: well, sort of...  
GG: its a long story, i dont think i quite get it all myself.  
GG: but what did you think i was talking about?  
TG: oh my  
TG: fucking god  
TG: hey is it just me or did someone turn off the ac  
TG: its like a fucking sauna all of a sudden  
GG: … dave.  
GG: are you SURE youre feeling ok?  
TG: ok what do you mean ok  
TG: i feel fan fucking tabulous  
TG: just like being hogtied and roasted over a slow flame  
TG: where the hell is john  
GG: i dont know! i guess i could look, but its not like we are even in the same time... so he is probably in different places for both of us.  
GG: as for the heat...  
GG: could it be all the MAGMA outside, maybe??  
GG: hmmmmm   
TG: dont get pert with me harley save the sarcastic backchat for troll dickwads ok  
TG: shit feels like a lobster boil in here  
TG: john needs to get off his lazy ass and start whistling for a wind  
TG: use his magical cyclone hero powers to pull some more weight around here  
GG: omg o_o  
GG: why the hell are you picking on john, of all people?? i thought you guys were the bestest of best bros/buddies!  
GG: and speaking of pulling weight...  
GG: you arent exactly being all that helpful right now, either  
TG: oh so im supposed to HELP now  
TG: what dyou think ive been doing all this time  
TG: relaxing and sipping apple juice  
GG: well, id prefer that to just being silly and saying nothing of consequence! honestly!!  
TG: great  
TG: just great  
TG: you know what  
TG: hold your own gogdamn horses

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

GG: dave???  
GG: @_@  
GG: oh come ON! dave!!  
GG: ….................  
GG: .................  
GG: ….......  
GG: ….  
GG: .  
GG: auughhhhhh  
GG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS D8

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: ok back   
GG: DAVE!!!!!  
GG: what the FUCK was that about??  
GG: and what is it with randomly slipping in and out of conversations like that!!! you BETTER not be fucking around!!!! >:U   
TG: first matter of business is stop saying the kind of shit thatll give people wrong ideas  
TG: second is  
TG: i just needed to cool my head  
TG: so i went back in time to where i was freezing my ass off in unmade snowman particles  
TG: and then came back here  
TG: simple as that   
GG: ohhhhh  
GG: well you should have just said so!  
GG: instead of storming off like a very un-coolkid :|   
TG: oh shit looks like another black mark on my coolkid license  
TG: officer jade just ticketed me for speeding at the mouth and being a massive dickhead    
GG: dave im being completely serious!!!! UGH DX  
GG: i thought you got so angry that you decided to bail on me...  
GG: how do you EXPECT me to act??? what do you expect me to SAY???  
GG: derp derp oh hey dave welcome back  
GG: youre just in time to explain why you suddenly started acting LIKE A BIG IDIOT OUT OF NOWHERE!!!  
GG: if it was john you can bet he wouldnt   
TG: well johns not fucking here is he  
TG: no  
TG: he isnt  
TG: knowing him hes somewhere cloudgazing or doing some other random crap that is still somehow super important to our collective chances of survival  
TG: so guess who has to take over as server player  
TG: thats right  
TG: i get to clean up after him like a ninja housewife looking after a particularly agile toddler with a leaking diaper  
TG: no scratch that  
TG: a ninja butler  
TG: im the one left holding the dustpan cleaning up the small fry with my fucking ninja skills while he zips around like chitty chitty bang bang   
GG: so im just part of the mess left behind  
GG: is that what youre saying, dave?  
GG: thats what you really mean, isnt it.   
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: well shit  
TG: questioning my motives now huh  
TG: ok i know i can be an ass and sometimes i say shit i dont really mean  
TG: but thats no reason to doubt how sincere i am when i say id do a lot worse if it meant we could get through this clusterfuck of a session alive and in one piece  
TG: have you any idea how much you mean to me  
TG: youre my friends  
TG: maybe the best friends ive got  
TG: youd think thats enough of a reason for anything wouldnt you  
TG: …. yeah now im done channeling egbert  
TG: but just saying i wouldnt abandon you just like i mean gog  
TG: what kind of shithead do you think i really am   
GG: …......  
GG: omigosh ,__,  
GG: im sorry dave, i...  
GG: im just so tired, i cant even think straight now  
GG: i didnt mean what i said honest  
GG: of course we are friends!  
GG: i  
GG: sorry hold on   
TG:  
TG: oh hell  
TG: please tell me you arent crying  
TG: jade?  
TG: not to sound like more of an insensitve ass than usual but this is really getting awkward  
TG: even more than the pickup line  
TG: if it was one  
TG:  
TG: oh yeah it wasnt you were talking about frogs  
TG: what is up with that anyway  
TG:  
TG:  
TG: jade  
TG: i can see youre still there so  
TG: answer me  
TG: please  
TG: there i asked nicely  
TG: or do i need to apologize for something else first  
TG: …fuck  
TG: still no answer huh   
GG: ….  
GG: dave  
GG: did you just...  
GG: POKE me with your cursor???   
TG: k now that was supposed to be a pat  
TG: but seems like this things designed for brute force landscaping not comforting peeps starting a personal sprinkler system  
TG: sorry bout accidentally bopping you over but at least i got your attention  
TG: if you want to talk thats fine lets talk  
TG: dont clam up like your dreamself did   
GG: my dreamself? how long ago was this?  
GG: oh, do you mean jadesprite??  
GG: and i am not actually crying so...   
TG: what  
TG: but  
TG: you had your face covered so i thought  
TG: ok never mind what i thought  
TG: what were you doing then    
GG: i was just editing out the more private snippets from the chatlog i was going to send kanaya  
GG: some lines from the cool, funny guy who calls me one of his best friends :)   
TG: what youre sending this out  
TG: damn girl this is some of my conksuckiest material  
TG: back on earth i could post this online and make a killing in like five mins  
TG: or maybe just draw another comic update i dunno   
GG: oh yeah! that reminds me, ive always wanted to see the creative process behind one of your comics  
GG: now to think i have actually possibly contributed in the making of one!  
GG: i bet john will be sooo jealous when i tell him :D   
TG: yeah i mean  
TG: who wouldnt be after seeing these creative juices bubbling away in the strider thinkpan  
TG: its only natural to take a sip but just dont let it get to your head   
GG: hehehe, i wont!  
GG: and i just went back and read what you said while i was preoccupied...  
GG: dave you sound so flustered when you thought you made me cry! its adorable <3  
GG: still youd have to do worse than that to get tears out of me    
TG: adorawutnow more like adorabad  
TG: id suggest adorabadass except who am i fooling  
TG: serious jade you get the craziest ideas sometimes  
TG: crazier than rose even  
TG: its official    
GG: :o  
GG: well i didnt mean adorable in a bad way. im not even sure if that is possible!  
GG: but as i was about to say, you dont have to apologize for anything  
GG: if you want to, that is ok too! but only if you feel like you have something to apologize for   
TG: k well its cool of you to make it nonobligatory and emasculating  
TG: thanks but thats not how i roll  
TG: might not be the first time but im sorry for being a dick  
TG: and for leavin you hanging back there   
GG: hehe, apology accepted! :D  
GG: and im sorry for doubting you, and saying that you werent being very helpful earlier  
GG: also um  
GG: sorry this is just something thats been bothering me since we started talking but  
GG: are you harboring some sort of resentment toward john?   
TG:    
GG: you dont have to answer me  
GG: i could just be reading too much into things  
GG: but i know you must be super busy running around doing time traveling things, so taking on johns server player duties along with everything else must be kind of stressful...   
TG: pff nah its fine nothing i cant handle  
TG: just sometimes i kinda feel like venting  
TG: though if davesprite was here to read this i bet hed punch me in the face for being a whiny little bitch  
TG: and johns alright i mean hes gotta do what hes gotta do  
TG: which is be a hero  
TG: ill admit that playing percussion to his piano solo doesnt always suit me but hey at least im keeping time  
TG: trying to make things stay on track while you all do your own thing   
GG: awww  
GG: well if you ever want to vent again, just find me!  
GG: uhh, unless we are both busy in the future like you said...  
GG: or you could always go find past me so i can past-give you a big sappy disney cool down hug  
GG: and then we could play in the snow like you promised we would!   
TG: now youre just making shit up when did i ever promise wed do that  
TG: and time travel doesnt work that way youd have remembered it if it happened in the past  
TG: ie i remember seeing you twice before with the imp that kind of thing  
TG: hugs dont work that way either fyi i was being ironic   
GG: pfffff i knew that!  
GG: i was just trying to lighten the mood, sheeesh.  
GG: you dont have to freak out dave, this is how people show affection!   
TG: i know what affection is   
GG: do you, dave? do you reeaaally?  
GG: dont worry, i promise ill be gentle :p   
TG: ok now thats  
TG: kind of freaky  
TG: or more like hearing that from you is just this side of surreal  
TG: maybe we should stop for now   
GG: aww, losing confidence?    
TG: whoa hey i never said that  
TG: im just saying  
TG: there are times when a guy feels like taking a break and  
TG: maybe blowing into a paper bag for a while   
GG: haha  
GG: whoop ok just finished talking to kanaya  
GG: gotta go find frogs now! ill talk to ya later dave <3   
TG: yeah ok  
TG:  
TG: wait  
TG: whats the point   
GG: ?  
GG: is something wrong dave?   
TG: no nothings wrong  
TG: its just  
TG: theres no point in signing off if youre not leaving your computer  
TG: and you have like at least five on you now  
TG: the probability of you being afk is basically nonexistent from now on   
GG: ooooh  
GG: thats right! i had forgotten... somehow.  
GG: i am not distracting you from anything important you should be doing though, am i?    
TG: well i need to be somewhere in a few mins  
TG: but ill be on if you want me  
TG: in the mean time i guess ill do something comics related   
GG: ok!  
GG: so can i be hella jeff?   
TG: you  
TG: want to be hella jeff   
GG: yeah!  
GG: if youre going to put our conversational funnies in context that is  
GG: or  
GG: is that too weird? :(   
TG: nah  
TG: i mean hes a tool in comparison but i guess thatll just make it just that much more ironic   
GG: soo ironic B)   
TG: only reason i see why you cant be hella jeff is because youre too busy being jade harley  
TG: squiddle lover devilbeast tamer  
TG: frog hunter girl extraordinaire   
GG: lol YES  
GG: future breeder of the ultimate frog universe... billie whatchamacallit!   
TG: oh yeah when are you gonna fill me in on whats with the frogs  
TG: inquiring minds are dying to know   
GG: ill tell you when i get there ;)  
GG: meanwhile you can expand on my list of titles!  
GG: you forgot pumpkin grower for one   
TG: what pumpkin   
GG: :( daaaaave   
TG: jesus so demanding  
TG: what jade is being witch of space not enough irons in the fire for you  
TG: gotta be the star   
GG: i am the star! its me  
GG: and THEN the big man comes :D  
GG: (psst thats you dave)   
TG: for a little one on one  
TG: yeah  
TG: listen i gotta run  
TG: remember that thing I was talking to you about  
TG: well continue this when i get back   
GG: oh ok  
GG: will it take long?   
TG: depends on whose standard youre going by  
TG: for you itll only be however long it takes you to get to that frog you were looking at  
TG: for me  
TG: might be a little longer   
GG: :o   
TG: dont sweat it  
TG: ill be back  
TG: just remember to remind me what we were talking about incase i forget   
GG: mm i will!  
GG: good luck dave <3   
TG: yeah

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--


End file.
